This is officially the Week of Lasts of the Ottawa chapter of my life and I am very much in denial about it. Half of me is trying to cherish every night I sleep in my apartment, every day of work that I have, every time I see each of my friends, and every time I stroll around Centretown and the Glebe. On the other hand, my mind is constantly involved in a very competitive game of Hot Potato where I can't think about leaving for too long or else it will burn me and I'll lose the game (aka burst into tears). While I really want to be tuned into life right now and make a mental picture of everything that I'm doing in these last few days, I also wish that I could just fall asleep, wake up in Korea and skip all the goodbyes. Goodbyes, just like essay introductions, are not my strong suit either.
I remember arriving at university for the very first time with my parents to move me into my dorm room and suffering from a mild panic attack for fear of being left alone in a strange city all by myself; I remember thinking, "What was I thinking, going to university so far from home? AM I CRAZY?". Dear my high school self: thanks for making one of the best, albeit crazy at the time, decisions you ever could have made for me. When I think about the person I was when I started university and the person I am now, I have changed and grown in ways that I could have never predicted. I was immensely shy, insecure and unsure of many things when I came into university, and I now have a definite sense of who I am, what I want, and where I want to go. Inevitably, Ottawa has become my second home, a place of comfort, challenges, and change for the last five years. While change is inevitable and can bring many good things into fruition, it also means that some good things have to be left behind, and I am not sure that I am prepared for it yet. However, I know that the Ottawa clock is ticking and time is not going to stop just because I want it to.
In all honesty I am terrified to start a new chapter because I've become very comfortable with this one, and I want to pull a Jack Dawson and 'never let go' of the friends and memories I've made here. However, I was not the girl that decided to turn and run when she moved into her university dorm room, nor will I be the girl that will turn and run when she moves to a new country. While there were hard times, I could never have predicted how much living in Ottawa and attending unversity has changed me for the better, and I have to keep reminding myself that while there will be hard times in Korea, the benefits there will also be endless.
I was - where you are now - in April when I moved home to Toronto. It's different because I didn't go to a foreign land but a familiar one. However, I was leaving Ottawa non-the-less and I too associate it with an experience of a lifetime and my second home.
ReplyDeleteI know it's hard not to look at your last week as your last, but you never know! You might return one day to do your masters, or a graduate studies in film in Ottawa!! I thought I was leaving forever, or wouldn't be living there again at least, but that is not the case. I love you lots Al! And I know your friends will support you and make the move more bearable.
This is great, Alex! I remember this feeling and I'm sure you've found comfort in the fact that you're about to make new and exciting memories in Korea to be nostalgic about later. Just know that the people who matter will be around for you when you come back. On the plus side, you'll not only grow from the challenge of stepping outside of your comfort zone, but you'll get to come home, too. Ottawa will be here rooting for you! You're really brave, girl! Keep it up!
ReplyDeleteAlthough this chapter in your life is closing (for now), remember that it will be revisited. You will never lose touch with the important things that Ottawa has given you - friends, a home, memories, etc. - In months down the road, when you are back in Canada, you will be able to relive those experiences and it will feel that much better. Sometimes 'letting go' in the moment is best, in order to appreciate things even more down the line. You are very brave Alex and I'm so proud of you!
ReplyDeletep.s. if you haven't noted already, I WILL be commenting on most if not all posts on your blog...so that's just one part of Ottawa that will be there no matter what, while on this journey to Korea. <3
I'm proud of you for being brave enough to make the decision to move to a country that is entirely foreign to you. There is no doubt that it takes a great deal of courage to do so. Unfortunately, with new beginnings you will have to leave behind other aspects of your life. But only temporarily. Of course your friends will be waiting for you! I think you know that though. I still wish I could join you on your journey but it's your time to shine baby!
ReplyDeleteP.S. I'm still going to be selfish though & say that I MISS YOU SO MUCH! The apartment is too quiet :P