The Week of Lasts: Part 1

Disclaimer: The next few posts that may appear here will primarily be nostalgic, have moments of melancholy, and some tears may be shed by the author herself.

This is officially the Week of Lasts of the Ottawa chapter of my life and I am very much in denial about it. Half of me is trying to cherish every night I sleep in my apartment, every day of work that I have, every time I see each of my friends, and every time I stroll around Centretown and the Glebe. On the other hand, my mind is constantly involved in a very competitive game of Hot Potato where I can't think about leaving for too long or else it will burn me and I'll lose the game (aka burst into tears). While I really want to be tuned into life right now and make a mental picture of everything that I'm doing in these last few days, I also wish that I could just fall asleep, wake up in Korea and skip all the goodbyes. Goodbyes, just like essay introductions, are not my strong suit either. 

I remember arriving at university for the very first time with my parents to move me into my dorm room and suffering from a mild panic attack for fear of being left alone in a strange city all by myself; I remember thinking, "What was I thinking, going to university so far from home? AM I CRAZY?". Dear my high school self: thanks for making one of the best, albeit crazy at the time, decisions you ever could have made for me. When I think about the person I was when I started university and the person I am now, I have changed and grown in ways that I could have never predicted. I was immensely shy, insecure and unsure of many things when I came into university, and I now have a definite sense of who I am, what I want, and where I want to go. Inevitably, Ottawa has become my second home, a place of comfort, challenges, and change for the last five years. While change is inevitable and can bring many good things into fruition, it also means that some good things have to be left behind, and I am not sure that I am prepared for it yet. However, I know that the Ottawa clock is ticking and time is not going to stop just because I want it to.

In all honesty I am terrified to start a new chapter because I've become very comfortable with this one, and I want to pull a Jack Dawson and 'never let go' of the friends and memories I've made here. However, I was not the girl that decided to turn and run when she moved into her university dorm room, nor will I be the girl that will turn and run when she moves to a new country. While there were hard times, I could never have predicted how much living in Ottawa and attending unversity has changed me for the better, and I have to keep reminding myself that while there will be hard times in Korea, the benefits there will also be endless.

Almost a Movie Moment

One of the inevitable implications of being a film student is the tendency to imagine your life as a movie. Although my five years of dedication to film studies and lots of wishful thinking has gotten me nowhere in making my autobiographical film dreams into reality, I will always maintain that it is a healthy and creative way to expend your brain power. As the hopeless romantic I think myself to be, most of my 'life as film' daydreams lean towards the genres of comedy, drama, and best of all, the musical. I would love nothing more than to have a movie moment where I spontaneously break into song and dance in the middle of the sidewalk and have everyone else join in. The reason why I bring this up is because yesterday I had a very strong urge to make my musical movie moment come true at the corner of Bank and Somerset at around 5 pm. Fortunately for the general public, I managed to restrain myself and channeled my musical movie energy into a spontaneous dress purchase and dinner with a friend.
Long story short, I was a pretty happy camper yesterday evening because I finished my 100-hour Teaching English as a Foreign Language (TEFL) course for Korea. Me and this course, see, we had a love/hate relationship that has lasted for the past several months. We had our good days and our bad days together. There were many summer afternoons when I felt obligated to sit in my dungeon apartment and write lesson plan after lesson plan instead of lounging in the park and reading a book or spending time with friends. During times like these, my inner diva would often get the best of me and these afternoons often consisted of whining, sighing, and dramatic expressions of exhaustion on my part. Of course, all of these antics were just practice for my autobiographical movie debut.
And it wasn't just how much time I put into the course, but also the content. Above all, grammar totally kicked my butt and I still feel the bruises. It was so surprising to realize that although English is my native language, before I started the couse I would have never been able to describe the difference between direct objects and indirect objects if my life depended on it. It made me realize that just because I can speak, read, write, and understand English effortlessly, it doesn't necessarily mean that I can teach others to speak English as well; It requires alot of planning, organization, and thought on behalf of the teacher.
 Although we had a fairly tumultuous relationship, I have to admit that taking the TEFL course was one of the best decisions I could have made to prepare myself to teach in Korea. It completely destroyed my confidence in the English language and then built my confidence right back up again, and now I am more convinced than ever that I can take on anything that the students throw my way, especially with my new Grammar for Dummies textbook (yes, I'm not afraid to admit that I bought it).
But enough of school talk right now, because I am free for the rest of the summer! BOOYAH! Now I am free to catch up on all the things I have listed on my 'Summer 2011 To Do' List, which includes cottaging, reading, paint by numbers, writing in my blog(!), relaxing, more relaxing....did I say relaxing? I am going to relish with gusto my last two weeks in Ottawa, a city that has found a place very close to my heart.

The First of Many

Let me tell you, introductions have never been my strong suit. They are completely and utterly intimidating. In my five years at university I’ve always felt the pressure of writing the perfect introductory line to an essay, one that will do so many things at once: impress the reader, draw them in, and summarize the entire idea of an essay in a mere couple of phonemes strung together. For me, as the token eldest child with an A type personality, coming up with that perfect first line required at least an hour staring at the bright screen of my computer with my earplugs in and several cups of tea. So today, I’m breaking free from the pressure of the perfect first liner, and boy does it ever feel good.

Now that that one tiny confession is off my chest, I can start this blog for real this time. Ready?

For all of you who may not know me and those of you who may need reminding, my name is Alex. I am a recent university graduate and lost soul. Heavy I know, but it’s true. I have currently entered my quarter-life crisis and am questioning the ways of the world from inside my little basement apartment. Although I eventually want to have a career in the film industry as a cinematographer and plan on doing my Masters in that very concentration, I feel that I am currently at a crossroads. I could choose to continue with school and complete my Masters, or I could do something else, namely travel. I chose the latter for several reasons: I’ve been in school for almost my entire life and needed a mental hiatus, and most importantly, I feel that traveling will significantly influence my future film career. Film is a medium of communication, and an individual film can be regarded as an individual’s position or view of the world as they see it, or a view of the world that they want to portray (FYI this definition excludes most Hollywood blockbusters). Other times, a film can be seen as an extension of the author’s personality. With this thought in mind, it dawned on me: how on earth could I ever create a good film when in reality, I know so little about the world and all that it can offer? Plus, how much do I really know about myself if I have hardy seen the world? And thus, my existential crisis came full circle to rest with my decision to travel.

And so, next month I embark on my trip to South Korea to teach English through the government-funded EPIK program. I chose this route of traveling for several reasons. First, you can make loads of money because the program pays for flights, accommodation, and half your health care plus a decent salary. Second, I wanted to travel as more than just a tourist; I wanted to immerse myself in a culture rather than just skim its surface, and to my delight EPIK contracts last for at least a year. Last, I love kids, and the idea of being surrounded by several little Korean children makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

In summary, I’m terrified, nervous, and definitely going to be hyperventilating at the airport, but at the same time I’m thrilled, excited, and very impatient about venturing into the unknown. I want this to be a journey of discovery; of discovering new parts of the world and hopefully, discovering new parts of myself. I chose the name ‘A Spiral Staircase’ as my personal metaphor and constant reminder; even though it may be dizzying, laborious, and much more difficult than the elevator ride up I want to savour each step on the way to the top, and it will be all the more rewarding when I get there.